To those left behind

This pandemic has been, and remains to be, bad for the ego.  It gave me so much time to lay on my couch and think about other people.  I found myself fixating on colleagues whose careers had progressed faster than mine, how they got picked for jobs I was sure I was right for, how they left jobs so easily that I struggled to escape, how they were making more money, getting greater fame, lifted into the heavens, while I languished on earth.  I blamed it on racism, on classism, on education, on connections, on the influence of money.  And perhaps some of those things were true, and perhaps none of them were.  Regardless, the more this obsession took me over, the more lonely and isolated I became.  

I am not unique in my habit of comparing my careers to others and falling into deep unhappiness in the process.  Over the last two years of the pandemic, and even more so as the world has begun to open up, I’ve spoken to so many of my friends and colleagues who have described the feeling of being left behind.  You’d be surprised to hear who has confided these feelings to me in private.  A world renowned writer compares her career to other world renowned writers and feels like she is at the bottom of the top; A well known press rep feels left unhirable and unattractive to theaters as she gets passed over for job after job; A young theater artist feels as though every theater is interested in someone besides him; A producer feels betrayed by other producers that use cut throat tactics to gain glory while they lose opportunities and languish in mediocrity; A writer sees all his friends writing for television and wonders why he can’t make that kind of money.  In many ways, none of this is new.  It has always felt impossible to avoid comparing your life to others - but during these long years of reevaluation, it can be tempting to spiral.  And I don’t want to diminish this as simple bitterness - watching professional and artistic opportunities go to other people can make us begin to question our very identity, not only professionally, but personally as well. 

One artist I spoke with called it the sensation of watching a beautiful Christmas dinner through a window, as you stand out in the cold.  Sometimes it's just true – there are people doing better than us. And what can you do but accept that?  Sometimes we are left behind - for righteous reasons and for villainous ones.  Sometimes it’s bigotry, sometimes it’s fashion.  And sometimes it’s real talent.  And obsessing over it won’t do us any good at all.  Turn away from the window.  Turn away and walk out into the winter night.  Stumble into the forest and find a clearing.  Be at peace with your loneliness.  Wait for the cold not to bite so fiercely.  Dream of your own house.  Begin to build.  Something for you.